Dealing with Depression

From an old facebook note I wrote several years ago.  While I'm unable to write, I figured I would share something I've already written...

"Who does depression hurt? Everyone."

I hate those ads.  But it's true.  My depression does not only affect me, it affects everyone I know and love.  I am not myself when I'm depressed, and that impacts those close to me (and even those not so close to me!).  I used to hate it when people would tell me I always seem so down on myself in my facebook posts, or that I cry all the time.  I hated it because I didn't like the implication that there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't acting the way I should.  And so I brushed it off.

Still here...

Hey everyone, I'm still here, still around...so sorry I haven't gotten back to posting yet.  I've been having a really rough time lately and though writing helps, I just don't feel like I should be putting down everything I've been feeling and dealing with out there to the world.

I hope I'll be back soon, I really do miss writing and I miss my blog friends who used to stop by.  I hope you all don't forget about me.

Happy Holidays, everyone xx

Down in the Dumps

Hello Dear Readers,

(Assuming I still have readers...)

I would like to apologize for my absence as of late.  I've been really depressed, and have barely been able to get out of bed and go to class, let alone update my blog.  I've made the decision to go back on antidepressants and have an appointment with a doctor Monday morning. So hopefully I'll be back up and running as my old self in a couple weeks, and along with that - fingers crossed - I'll start posting again.

The decision to go back on my medication was both super easy and really difficult.

"Good job you're gay!" (And other things you don't want to hear while your girlfriend is cutting your hair)

Yes, I let Callie cut my hair.

No, she's not a hairstylist.  She's not trained.  Her only qualifications? She's trimmed her kids' and husband's hair with the clippers, and she loves me.

...Hello UK

I know you have all been anxiously awaiting my update, barely able to carry on with your daily activities while wondering what had been going on with Mel.  And I'm very sorry to have interfered with your sleep these last few weeks due to my lack of updates.  I apologize.  (Or should I say "apologise?")  I have been putting this off for a few reasons - the easiest to blame would be that I was staying at Callie's house and didn't have a lot of time to sit around blogging.  But even more so because...I've had no idea what to write.  It has been a both an incredibly wonderful and horribly difficult time, and it's really hard for me to put into words.

Goodbye USA...

Tonight I set off for England so you may not hear from me for a little while.  I will definitely update with life in the UK, but I know I'll have way more exciting things to do than sit down and write!

I'm experiencing a lot of sadness right now - I really really hate goodbyes.

Giving It All Up

This is my last weekend in America.

On Wednesday, I leave everything I have ever known behind and begin a new life far, far away.  That's right folks, I am moving to England.  I've quit my job, I've sold my furniture, I've rehomed my pets.  No more adding 5 hours to the time, or living from phone call to phone call.  Never again will I have to say goodnight at 5 pm and spend my evening counting down the hours until my own bedtime.  Visits will be days apart; never again will months pass between each time I lay eyes on the woman I love.

The Porn Post

Okay, here it is...the post I've been dreading (mostly because I have this odd fear that my mom will stumble upon this blog, but also because this is a weird thing to talk about to random strangers and friends). I've been putting it off and putting it off, but I've got major writer's block and can't come up with a single topic besides this one, so here it is (and Mom, if for some reason you *are* reading this...PLEASE stop now!):

If You See My Girl...

I'm having a hard time forming my own words right now, so I'm going to borrow from one of my teenybopper favorites, Jesse McCartney:

Straight girl crushes?!

Seriously...how did I not realize (accept) that I was gay before the age of 27?! Callie and I were talking about the Spice Girls the other day and I found myself saying "I thought Mel B was really hot." She replied "And this is when you were straight?!"  This conversation has replayed itself a few times since...

So here is a list of celebrities I found "hot" (not sweet or cute or "she's really pretty" or "I want to be like her")  in the 27 years before I accepted my sexuality.

My Heart Has Arrived

At this very moment, there is a beautiful girl laying on my sofa, legs over my lap, fast asleep. She is making the most delicious little sleep sounds, and I can feel the warmth of her body and the comfort of her company. My heart is happy.

My beautiful Callie has come to visit, from all the way across the pond. My amazing English girlfriend is here in America, and more specifically, in my apartment. After one of the most emotional months I can remember, in this moment all I feel is content, overjoyed, loved. My heart is bursting and I just want to shout it from the rooftops: I LOVE THIS WOMAN!!!!!

That said...I may be a little quiet for the next 9 days. Heaven has arrived in South Carolina, and I plan to take advantage of every last second that I have.

Coming Out (Part 2)

After I came out to my mom (Coming Out - Part 1), I knew it was hard for her.  All this time I'd had a secret.  But I'd opened up and told my mom - and now she had a secret. I knew I had to tell my sister. But I was scared. (Isn't it usually the other way around? Confide in the siblings, then try and find a way to tell your parents?)  But my sister was the one person I was most afraid of telling.

Struggles

Callie and I both have our struggles.  We come from such different situations.  I have never had that lifelong bond, which makes it difficult to understand sometimes why her love for me just isn't enough.  She's been with the same man her entire adult life (and then some) - so sometimes she doesn't get where I'm coming from.

We both struggle with feeling sometimes like this is an affair (even though her husband is aware and "ok" with it) - something we can't talk about, something everyone will judge.

Exploring polyamory as a monogamous "single"

When I first met Callie, I knew that our relationship would be unique, and unlike anything I had ever expected.  She was married, I was single.  That was never going to change.  We spent our days talking about how we would make it work.  Since she lives in England and I live in America, maybe we would be content to talk on the phone and visit each other a few times a year.  Maybe her husband could set me up with an understanding, good looking friend so I could move to England, marry, and have a beautiful girlfriend on the side.

But then everything changed.  Our feelings were FAR too strong to ever be a once or twice a year kind of thing.  As you can see, we've had a very complicated history and struggled quite a bit with how to make our relationship work.  We've tried to be apart, but discovered we just can't manage.  So now here we are, exploring a poly relationship.  

Reasons #987 and 989 I love Callie

From today's text messages:

For background knowledge: she has a bracelet that she wears every day with the bi colors (blue, pink, purple).  It used to be a black cord, but it was too big and annoying her so she went back and got a pink one.
Callie: Do you know why I got the pink bracelet? x
Me: Because the pink represents same sex attraction and you are 90% gay? x
Callie: You know me too well! :) x



Callie: We've almost been together 4 months now x
(No, 4 months is not long...but I can't remember a time before her)
Me: I know!!! Yay us :) x
Me: I'm so pathetic but I think you've officially become my second longest relationship
(arriving only a split second after I send mine)
Callie: Must be nearing your second longest relationship, isn't it? x
Me: LMFAO!!!!!!
Callie: PMSL
Me: Bitch :) x

A very complicated history

With permission from my beautiful Callie, I am going to write a bit about our very complicated relationship, and how we got to where we are now: exploring what I call a monogamous polyamorous relationship.  (More on that to come in a future post)  Now, let's start at the very beginning (as they say in The Sound of Music, it's a very good place to start).

It's Ours

Tonight I borrow from the lovely, talented Miss Taylor Swift.  When trying to describe how I feel, I've learned that sometimes others just say it better.   My relationship is complicated.  It's not something everyone understands.  Some people will judge.  But you know what?  FUCK them. (I would apologize for my language...but I'm not actually sorry at all)  It's mine, and it's hers, and that's all that matters.  It's ours.

Rhonda says...

"Hey you moron, remember when you used to play The Sims?  All your characters were lesbians!  They totally flirted with the chick Sims, to the point where the pretty little lady Sims would get annoyed by your weirdness because you kept trying to kiss them! HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW YOU WERE GAY?!?"

Yes, it's true.  Rhonda was in there, trying to get out and live vicariously through my Sims characters.  Flirting, kissing, even "woohooing" with the other girl Sims.  One of my characters even managed to marry.  I lost interest in the game and quit playing before they could adopt though.  

Okay Rhonda, I get it. 

Check label for handling instructions

This is something I've really struggled with: labels.  Are they necessary?  Are they changeable?  Does how I identify change who I am?  Does my label tell me who I am?  Am I bi? Am I gay? Am I just not straight?  Does it matter?

Heartbroken

Will write again soon (maybe) when I'm not so heartbroken.


I love you Callie, to your star and back, always and forever.  Please be happy. ♥

6 monthiversary

Today marks 6 months since I first admitted to myself that I had an attraction to women.  6 months since Rhonda finally got loose.  6 months since my life changed forever.  6 months since I started my journey to self-acceptance.  Happy 6 monthiversary to me.

Sh*t my mom says

Here is a collection of funny shit my mom said on our first (extremely awkward) phone conversation after I came out to her:

• Mom: I mean, I wouldn't choose for you to have red hair, because they tend to have it harder in life. But if you were born a redhead I would love you just as much.
• Me: I might go to the bar to watch the baseball game tonight.
  Mom: Are you going to a gay bar? ....Am I allowed to tease you about it a little?
• Me: I remember when you were really into the Indigo Girls. And I thought "Hmm if Mom loves the Indigo Girls so much, does that mean she's a lesbian too?"
  Mom: I liked their music!
  Me: I know, but I was a kid.
  Mom: I also like Melissa Etheridge.
  Mom: I even like me some Ani DiFranco music. I took my gay women friends from work to her concert.
• Me: I didn't know you had gay women friends.
  Mom: Well that's because we don't run around saying "I'm gay!" "I'm straight!"

And my favorite, because I didn't even know she KNEW who this was:

• Me: I kissed a girl in college once.
  Mom: Did you like it, Katy Perry?

Coming Out (Part 1)

Coming out to my family was one of the scariest things I've ever done.  And I probably never would have done it without Callie.  She gave me the push I needed, and I will forever be grateful for that.

Why so scary? Did I think my parents would stop loving me? Did I think my sister would try to pray the gay out of me?  No.  But that doesn't make it any less scary.  I mean, I was 27.  I was an adult - they thought they knew exactly who I was.  They had no clue.  You know how sometimes a mother just knows?  Well, mine didn't.  I look back on my life and it is SO obvious to me.  (Read: blog posts to come)  But I never gave any outward clues that my family could pick up on.  So I was scared.  Scared that I might disappoint them (though I knew they would never love me any less), scared that they wouldn't know who I was (though I was the same person I'd always been), scared that they might feel like they'd done something wrong (though I was happier than I'd ever been).

Falling in Love

I have been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to figure out how to start this post.  It's a big one, and it needs something perfect.  But I just can't come up with a single opener that would do justice to the wonderful woman I have fallen head over heels in love with.

So I'll just say: I'm in love. With the most amazing person I have ever known.  She has totally changed my life and now that I've met her, I don't know how I could ever be without her.

Ours is a complicated situation, but I don't want to focus on that today - I just want to reflect on how much I love her.  Nor do I want to get in to too many specifics without her permission.  So I will shy away from all the complications and focus only on our beautiful love story, and the way she makes me feel.

Meet Rhonda

Until this year, my attraction to women was NOT something I talked about.  Ever. Hell, it wasn't something I even acknowledged to myself.  Any thoughts that made it to the surface of my subconscious were quickly pushed back deep down below.

Unless I was drunk.  Under the influence of alcohol, the lesbian inside of me would try to escape.  This inner lesbian (let's call her Rhonda) wanted to be free! Rhonda wanted to meet women, date, fool around a little.  And she let me know it.



Rhonda would log on to my various dating websites (for a little look at my life as a hetero, check out my online dating blog at www.dubiousdating.com ....yeah, I totally thought I was straight) and search for women in my area.  Occasionally Rhonda would send out a wink.  Rhonda even emailed a lady or two.  That was super awkward, when Mel woke up the next morning to find a reply!  (Conversations were usually left alone until Rhonda resurfaced)  Rhonda was a flirt.  Rhonda was even a little horny.  And she tried her damndest to get Mel to just accept the fact that she was interested in women. 


My favorite story of Rhonda is the Craigslist Adventures.  Two years ago when I was living in Texas, Rhonda logged on to Craigslist, clicked "women seeking women" and typed the following ad:

"I've never been with a woman other than a random kiss in college, but I'm curious."


No picture, no description, she left it at that.  But the emails came in anyway.  Ladies asking for pictures, ladies saying they'd like to teach me, couples interested in a threesome.  The ad was probably up for about 10 minutes before Mel fought back to the surface and deleted it.

But you know what?  That bitch Rhonda posted it again a few weeks later!  And AGAIN and AGAIN!  That ad somehow made it to Craigslist a total of 5 times over the course of 2 years!

Sometimes I wonder...was Rhonda trying to get me laid or killed?!

Leaving the Cloud of Denial

I'm gay.


It's taken me 28 years to say those words.  And god, it feels good.


I think I've probably always known, but I was living in denial - a state of subconscious denial for most of my life, with rare moments of clarity followed by a conscious effort to push away unwelcome thoughts and feelings.

But at 27, I finally (soberly) acknowledged that I might be attracted to women.  Of course, I still wasn't ready to say "gay."  I wasn't even ready to say "bisexual."  But I decided I could admit to maybe possibly kinda being bicurious.  So, on New Years Day, I typed "bicurious" into my google search bar and found a support website for bisexual/bicurious women.  Scared out of my mind, I created a new email account so that I could sign up for this site in secret.  I wrote my first post in the welcome forum, titled "New and a Little Nervous" (though it should have said "New and Absolutely Shitting My Pants!!!")


That day changed my life - nothing will ever be the same.  In the 5 months and 28 days since I joined this site, affectionately known as "shy," my life has changed to no end.  I don't think I could put it better than I already have, so here is my latest "about me" on shybi:

It has taken me 28 years to become comfortable with who I am. For years I pushed away thoughts of women, certain I couldn't be gay. For years I haven't felt like my true self, have dealt with depression and an unexplainable feeling of worthlessness. It took me 27 years to even admit to being "bicurious," and even then I did so under a cloak of shame. In the 5 months since joining shy, I've grown so much. I've gained so much self-confidence, accepted that I'm not bicurious, not bisexual, and actually EMBRACED myself as a lesbian, I've even come out to family and friends and all of Facebook. I've never felt more confident or comfortable about who I am. And of course, I fell head over heels in love with the beautiful Callie T. My world will never be the same, and for that I am eternally grateful.


This blog will chronicle my journey coming to terms with my sexuality and life after coming out.  Welcome aboard!