Exploring polyamory as a monogamous "single"

When I first met Callie, I knew that our relationship would be unique, and unlike anything I had ever expected.  She was married, I was single.  That was never going to change.  We spent our days talking about how we would make it work.  Since she lives in England and I live in America, maybe we would be content to talk on the phone and visit each other a few times a year.  Maybe her husband could set me up with an understanding, good looking friend so I could move to England, marry, and have a beautiful girlfriend on the side.

But then everything changed.  Our feelings were FAR too strong to ever be a once or twice a year kind of thing.  As you can see, we've had a very complicated history and struggled quite a bit with how to make our relationship work.  We've tried to be apart, but discovered we just can't manage.  So now here we are, exploring a poly relationship.  


When we decided that we couldn't be without being "us," we decided on a few things:

• We are going to slow down a little, stop acting like lovesick teenagers.  We rushed into things, got caught up in our feelings and allowed them to push us into making somewhat hasty decisions without having logical, rational, adult conversations about the situation. (Between myself and Callie, Callie and husband)
• Our communication (which is already better than I've ever had in any other relationship) needs to be improved.  We need to be open and honest with each other, even at the risk of hurting the other's feelings.  We have spent too much time sacrificing what we each feel is best, for the sake of protecting the other.
• We are going to "just be us" and enjoy it, for as long as we are able.  We will reassess when needed.  No more focusing on forever ("Can I share this woman for the rest of my life?"), and just focus on the here and now.  Things may change, but for now we are going to focus on the moment, and appreciate what we have. (Easier said than done, of course)

We both have our struggles with it.  I will address her struggles at times, and I will address mine.  They are very different, though they sometimes overlap.  This is not an easy road for ANYONE.  

Before I continue with anything, I must make it clear that this is not easy for Callie.  She is not "having her cake and eating it too."  I know many people might look at this situation and say "Mel, you are bound to get hurt.  She can't decide, and you're just letting her have both.  She gets the best of both worlds, and what are you getting?"  What am I getting?  I'm getting the love of my life.  And as for Callie, I promise, she does not consider herself to have the best of both worlds.  In fact, I think she struggles with this more than anyone.  She has always considered herself monogamous.  She loves being someone's everything, and they hers.  And for the past 12 years, that someone has been her husband.  So imagine how difficult it must be to fall in love with a woman and find yourself suddenly unable to be without her. But also unable to be without your husband and partner of 12 years.  I can't even begin to imagine how difficult that must be.  My heart breaks for her constantly.  

As for me?  I am in a monogamous relationship.  Callie is my one and only.  This is not something I struggle with - I have no desire to date anyone else, male or female.  I can't imagine ever opening my heart to anyone else, and I only have eyes for her.  Are there ever times I feel it would be easier if I had a man in my life too?  Of course.  Sharing my girlfriend's affections is hard.  Maybe if I had a family of my own I would understand better where she's coming from, I would feel less jealous, less insecure.  But I don't want a man.  I'm not exactly into the penis.  And I am so madly in love with Callie, I don't think I could even fathom dating, even if I wasn't so averse to "the member."  And I don't want another woman.  I want Callie.  

I have heard horror stories about married women and single lesbians.  They never seem to work out, and I feel like the people who tell them to me are warning me off, telling me that the marriage will always win out in the end.  And that's scary.  But I've already had my heart broken, we have both seen what life is like without the other.  And it's not pretty.  I need to be with her, she needs to be with me, and we are going to find a way to make this work, even if it's not the way society expects.  Besides, as Callie said - "You're not a single lesbian.  You're my lesbian."