Coming Out (Part 1)

Coming out to my family was one of the scariest things I've ever done.  And I probably never would have done it without Callie.  She gave me the push I needed, and I will forever be grateful for that.

Why so scary? Did I think my parents would stop loving me? Did I think my sister would try to pray the gay out of me?  No.  But that doesn't make it any less scary.  I mean, I was 27.  I was an adult - they thought they knew exactly who I was.  They had no clue.  You know how sometimes a mother just knows?  Well, mine didn't.  I look back on my life and it is SO obvious to me.  (Read: blog posts to come)  But I never gave any outward clues that my family could pick up on.  So I was scared.  Scared that I might disappoint them (though I knew they would never love me any less), scared that they wouldn't know who I was (though I was the same person I'd always been), scared that they might feel like they'd done something wrong (though I was happier than I'd ever been).





But with a push from my loving girlfriend, I did it.  I was not brave enough to do it face to face. (But then again, writing has always been how I dealt with things. Even as a child, when I was upset and shut in my room, I would scribble something down on a piece of paper, open the door, and throw it out for my parents to read).  I wrote my mother the following email:

Subject: Big breath

Hi Mommy,

I have to tell you something.  It's kind of a sensitive subject and I feel weird talking about it, which is why I didn't tell you when you were here, but I also feel bad keeping it from you.  So, sorry to tell you over email but it's the only way I feel strong enough to do it.  You probably noticed while you were here that something was up.  So, here goes....

(Don't freak out)

I'm dating someone.  She is a woman.  Her name is Callie, and she lives in England, unfortunately.  We met on a website for women who are confused about their sexuality. It's not something I ever expected but I guess I have been feeling confused and had to try to be true to myself.  And in the process, I met Callie.  We speak every day, even talking on the phone for several hours (that's how I know it's a big deal).  It's really weird to say, but I've never had a connection like this with anyone before.  She is coming to visit me in a couple weeks, and I didn't want to say anything until we'd had a chance to actually meet in person.  But I don't like keeping things from you and couldn't hold it in any longer.

I know you will love me no matter what and this won't change anything for you.  But I understand if it takes a little time to get used to!  It definitely did for me.

LYF, [love you forever]

Mellie

I then proceeded to hold my breath for the next 3 hours, awaiting her response.  And when she did, I was finally able to breathe again.  I couldn't have asked for better:

Wow, I will admit you have taken me by surprise!  You didn’t seem like your usual self while we were there – you seemed on edge and easily upset, not quite the lovely perky friendly Mellie-poo.  I’ve been trying to figure out a way to talk to you about what’s going on with you, so I’m glad that you opened the dialog.  I figured you were depressed and I wanted to find a way to talk to you about it.  I didn’t know you were living a secret life! :)  We should probably talk in person (or I guess by phone) when you feel you are able so that we can have a better back-and-forth.  I will always always always love you exactly the same (i.e., tons!!!!!!), I’m so glad that you know that!    It will take some getting used to, yes, and I do want to hear more.  I don’t ever want you to feel that you have to ‘sneak around’ or keep secrets from me; I am here for you no matter what.  Love you!  Xoxoxox

PS – Thanks for the "big breath” subject line – I actually did take a big breath before I opened your email, hehe!