I'm gay.
It's taken me 28 years to say those words. And god, it feels good.
I think I've probably always known, but I was living in denial - a state of subconscious denial for most of my life, with rare moments of clarity followed by a conscious effort to push away unwelcome thoughts and feelings.
But at 27, I finally (soberly) acknowledged that I might be attracted to women. Of course, I still wasn't ready to say "gay." I wasn't even ready to say "bisexual." But I decided I could admit to maybe possibly kinda being bicurious. So, on New Years Day, I typed "bicurious" into my google search bar and found a support website for bisexual/bicurious women. Scared out of my mind, I created a new email account so that I could sign up for this site in secret. I wrote my first post in the welcome forum, titled "New and a Little Nervous" (though it should have said "New and Absolutely Shitting My Pants!!!")
That day changed my life - nothing will ever be the same. In the 5 months and 28 days since I joined this site, affectionately known as "shy," my life has changed to no end. I don't think I could put it better than I already have, so here is my latest "about me" on shybi:
It has taken me 28 years to become comfortable with who I am. For years I pushed away thoughts of women, certain I couldn't be gay. For years I haven't felt like my true self, have dealt with depression and an unexplainable feeling of worthlessness. It took me 27 years to even admit to being "bicurious," and even then I did so under a cloak of shame. In the 5 months since joining shy, I've grown so much. I've gained so much self-confidence, accepted that I'm not bicurious, not bisexual, and actually EMBRACED myself as a lesbian, I've even come out to family and friends and all of Facebook. I've never felt more confident or comfortable about who I am. And of course, I fell head over heels in love with the beautiful Callie T. My world will never be the same, and for that I am eternally grateful.
This blog will chronicle my journey coming to terms with my sexuality and life after coming out. Welcome aboard!
Love this!!
ReplyDeleteI think its great that your putting your story out there, and How this helps you, and yet at the same time, could be helping someone else going through a similar situation. :)
Thanks Amy! I really appreciate the feedback, and I certainly hope that my journey can help others out there who are going through the same. <3
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to getting to know Rhonda. This is amazing. I'm really happy and proud of you.
ReplyDeleteCongrats! It's a hard step out of the closet to yourself, I went through it this past year myself
ReplyDeleteHi, I know this is old, but I loved reading it! I wonder if most lesbians feel like this? I totaly get Rhonda, I used to have mine behind lock and chain, I mean I could get as drunk as you can get and she would stay put and shut up. Don't know what happened, she escaped last week, so here I am reading your post.
ReplyDeleteWell its been a while since this post but i just came across with it, and couldn't be happier to read your words. Im 23 and feel the exact way you describe above. I'm scared, and somedays feel really odd. I'm dating this awesome girl, beautiful really. But I now feel a bit lost, like im living this coming out a little through this relationship and not just through me. Anyway, love your blog and thankful to read the words.
ReplyDeleteFlor