The Porn Post

Okay, here it is...the post I've been dreading (mostly because I have this odd fear that my mom will stumble upon this blog, but also because this is a weird thing to talk about to random strangers and friends). I've been putting it off and putting it off, but I've got major writer's block and can't come up with a single topic besides this one, so here it is (and Mom, if for some reason you *are* reading this...PLEASE stop now!):




The Porn Post

I don't remember how or when I started watching porn. I'd seen a video or two with my boyfriend just out of high school, but don't remember being particularly moved by it. But somehow that changed.

I have never been very good at fantasizing, or imagining, or getting excited just with my mind. So at some point I found myself browsing various free porn sites. I found one that became my go-to site --which I later learned was also John Mayer's preferred site -- and found myself watching videos hungrily but shamefully. Porn was always my guiltiest pleasure. While it was semi-to-very enjoyable in the moment, I felt immensely guilty immediately afterward (and sometimes at the time of viewing). After I finished a video (or felt too guilty midway through and stopped it) I would immediately clear my browser and then go wash myself, trying to wash away the guilt. But I couldn't stop myself from watching, especially as I progressed in my in my video choices.

When I started exploring porn, it was they typical male/female porn. I was very specific in my tastes - I hated close up or overtly graphic shots. I hated anal. I hated blow jobs. There were so many bits that I just couldn't stand! I didn't mind basically what would be known as soft core porn...where you see the couple grinding and having sexy time, but you don't have to see the close-up of penetration. And I liked watching the guy go down on the girl. That part I definitely liked.

As I started to feel slightly less guilty watching sexy videos, this led into watching threesomes. I found myself very intrigued and way more turned on than I ever had been with classic straight porn. Watching two beautiful girls kissing, getting naked, touching...well I could definitely understand when a guy would happen upon them in some "remote" location and want to join in! But there was one major problem with threesome porn: instead of one woman giving a blow job, you had two women giving a blow job! Ew ew ew ewwwww! I sincerely hated the focus on penis in threesome porn. It turned my stomach and killed my sex drive. But this was when I still considered myself straight, and it was the closest to lesbian porn I was going to get. And it always redeemed itself when the girls started kissing again.

You would think this would have alerted me to the fact that I'm gay...right? Wrong. I felt some urges to ditch the guy part altogether and just go for what was really turning me on, but there was still so much guilt and denial that it was still a very long time before I was able to watch the good stuff: girl on girl action.

The lesbian porn, however, still came wayyyyyy before the acceptance of my sexuality. But it also brought more guilt. I turned the volume way down, terrified my neighbors would hear that I was not only watching porn, but LESBIAN porn (gasp!). I don't think I ever watched a video to completion, partly because I was so turned on, and partly because I felt so guilty. I used Chrome's "incognito" browser to watch, because it meant I didn't have to clear my history every time (even when I lived by myself...).  And I continued to shower after watching, because the feelings I got felt so right and so wrong.

But finally I began to acknowledge my sexuality. I found shybi, and I accepted that I was attracted to women. And as I grew in my sexuality, I also found myself watching lesbian porn guilt-free. Porn is still kind of a guilty pleasure, but there's a whole lot less guilt than there ever was before.

And you know what? Now that I have a girlfriend, I don't even watch porn. And I'm not just saying that for her benefit. My girlfriend and I don't see each other often, but we find ways to have our sexy time. And our sexy time together is way better than any video could be. Even if she's only in my mind. And to be perfectly honest, I recently popped on a video because she was unavailable...and it really just didn't do it for me.

I get WAY more pleasure from imagining our fun sexy time (even better when we can text back and forth...but that's another blog entry I've been putting off...) than I did from watching some video. With her, I have learned to fantasize, to use my imagination, my memory, and all my senses. I no longer feel guilty watching lesbian porn...but I no longer feel the need to.