Straight girl crushes?!

Seriously...how did I not realize (accept) that I was gay before the age of 27?! Callie and I were talking about the Spice Girls the other day and I found myself saying "I thought Mel B was really hot." She replied "And this is when you were straight?!"  This conversation has replayed itself a few times since...

So here is a list of celebrities I found "hot" (not sweet or cute or "she's really pretty" or "I want to be like her")  in the 27 years before I accepted my sexuality.

My Heart Has Arrived

At this very moment, there is a beautiful girl laying on my sofa, legs over my lap, fast asleep. She is making the most delicious little sleep sounds, and I can feel the warmth of her body and the comfort of her company. My heart is happy.

My beautiful Callie has come to visit, from all the way across the pond. My amazing English girlfriend is here in America, and more specifically, in my apartment. After one of the most emotional months I can remember, in this moment all I feel is content, overjoyed, loved. My heart is bursting and I just want to shout it from the rooftops: I LOVE THIS WOMAN!!!!!

That said...I may be a little quiet for the next 9 days. Heaven has arrived in South Carolina, and I plan to take advantage of every last second that I have.

Coming Out (Part 2)

After I came out to my mom (Coming Out - Part 1), I knew it was hard for her.  All this time I'd had a secret.  But I'd opened up and told my mom - and now she had a secret. I knew I had to tell my sister. But I was scared. (Isn't it usually the other way around? Confide in the siblings, then try and find a way to tell your parents?)  But my sister was the one person I was most afraid of telling.

Struggles

Callie and I both have our struggles.  We come from such different situations.  I have never had that lifelong bond, which makes it difficult to understand sometimes why her love for me just isn't enough.  She's been with the same man her entire adult life (and then some) - so sometimes she doesn't get where I'm coming from.

We both struggle with feeling sometimes like this is an affair (even though her husband is aware and "ok" with it) - something we can't talk about, something everyone will judge.

Exploring polyamory as a monogamous "single"

When I first met Callie, I knew that our relationship would be unique, and unlike anything I had ever expected.  She was married, I was single.  That was never going to change.  We spent our days talking about how we would make it work.  Since she lives in England and I live in America, maybe we would be content to talk on the phone and visit each other a few times a year.  Maybe her husband could set me up with an understanding, good looking friend so I could move to England, marry, and have a beautiful girlfriend on the side.

But then everything changed.  Our feelings were FAR too strong to ever be a once or twice a year kind of thing.  As you can see, we've had a very complicated history and struggled quite a bit with how to make our relationship work.  We've tried to be apart, but discovered we just can't manage.  So now here we are, exploring a poly relationship.  

Reasons #987 and 989 I love Callie

From today's text messages:

For background knowledge: she has a bracelet that she wears every day with the bi colors (blue, pink, purple).  It used to be a black cord, but it was too big and annoying her so she went back and got a pink one.
Callie: Do you know why I got the pink bracelet? x
Me: Because the pink represents same sex attraction and you are 90% gay? x
Callie: You know me too well! :) x



Callie: We've almost been together 4 months now x
(No, 4 months is not long...but I can't remember a time before her)
Me: I know!!! Yay us :) x
Me: I'm so pathetic but I think you've officially become my second longest relationship
(arriving only a split second after I send mine)
Callie: Must be nearing your second longest relationship, isn't it? x
Me: LMFAO!!!!!!
Callie: PMSL
Me: Bitch :) x

A very complicated history

With permission from my beautiful Callie, I am going to write a bit about our very complicated relationship, and how we got to where we are now: exploring what I call a monogamous polyamorous relationship.  (More on that to come in a future post)  Now, let's start at the very beginning (as they say in The Sound of Music, it's a very good place to start).

It's Ours

Tonight I borrow from the lovely, talented Miss Taylor Swift.  When trying to describe how I feel, I've learned that sometimes others just say it better.   My relationship is complicated.  It's not something everyone understands.  Some people will judge.  But you know what?  FUCK them. (I would apologize for my language...but I'm not actually sorry at all)  It's mine, and it's hers, and that's all that matters.  It's ours.

Rhonda says...

"Hey you moron, remember when you used to play The Sims?  All your characters were lesbians!  They totally flirted with the chick Sims, to the point where the pretty little lady Sims would get annoyed by your weirdness because you kept trying to kiss them! HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW YOU WERE GAY?!?"

Yes, it's true.  Rhonda was in there, trying to get out and live vicariously through my Sims characters.  Flirting, kissing, even "woohooing" with the other girl Sims.  One of my characters even managed to marry.  I lost interest in the game and quit playing before they could adopt though.  

Okay Rhonda, I get it. 

Check label for handling instructions

This is something I've really struggled with: labels.  Are they necessary?  Are they changeable?  Does how I identify change who I am?  Does my label tell me who I am?  Am I bi? Am I gay? Am I just not straight?  Does it matter?

Heartbroken

Will write again soon (maybe) when I'm not so heartbroken.


I love you Callie, to your star and back, always and forever.  Please be happy. ♥

6 monthiversary

Today marks 6 months since I first admitted to myself that I had an attraction to women.  6 months since Rhonda finally got loose.  6 months since my life changed forever.  6 months since I started my journey to self-acceptance.  Happy 6 monthiversary to me.