Ch-Ch-Changes

On Day 2, I woke to a text message at 8:35 am:

"Are you awake?"

I replied "Yeah, sorta."


"Me and D have broken up. I know I'm not meant to be talking to you but I thought you'd want to know."


Well THAT sure woke me up!

Cutting Contact

The last few days have been absolute and complete hell for me.  For both of us.  I thought I'd been through the worst of it, that things were supposed to start getting better.  But instead I found myself on Sunday lying under my covers hoping I'd run out of air.

We were both in a constant battle between head and heart, a never-ending state of limbo, going from "we need to get back together" to "we need to stop talking" in 30 seconds flat.  We both knew what we needed to do, but neither could face it and so we continued, holding on to each other for dear life and hoping somehow things would just get better.

Can't Get Myself Right

Upon last update, Callie's husband D had agreed it was okay for us to talk, but only as friends. No relationship-type talk.  But that was impossible.  Even the conversation where she broke the news was completely NOT "D Approved," as I call it.  Nor was the day-long conversation the following day.  Not even close.  And then he decided it didn't matter, she's an adult and can do whatever she wants.  So basically back where we started.

Anyway....

I wrote this blog entry a few days ago, when I was living in a constant state of limbo.  I didn't post it here at the time, but rather posted it on shybi, only because I wasn't sure how coherent it would turn out to be.  But here is a glimpse of my mental state the last few days:

Make up your mind!!!

Okay, I know that is a ridiculous request from me, the girl who can't seem to go 5 minutes without changing her mind.  But I am in so much damn pain, I don't know which way is up right now, let alone what's best for anyone.

Now we are allowed to talk.  As friends.  But nothing about our relationship.  But...what is there to talk about that doesn't in some way touch on our relationship? The weather?  Anything else?  Because the fact is, she is ingrained on my heart, she has become a part of me.  And everything I do has something to do with her, in some way or another.  I can go from 0 to Callie in 0.5 second flat.  So how can we talk without it somehow relating to us or coming back to the relationship in some way?  We just texted for an hour, and every bit of it was relationship related.

So when we said goodbye, I couldn't help feeling for some reason I would never get to talk to her again.  Because it's impossible for us to talk without talking about us.  Because he changes his mind as much as I do, and in another day or two he might decide this "friends" thing is clearly not working and he doesn't want her to talk to me EVER.  Because maybe he's ok with us being friends, but only until they have another argument and he lets out how he's REALLY feeling.

Sigh.

Losing My Rock

I haven’t been able to move on from Callie, nor have I wanted to.  As I said, I can’t stop holding out hope that someday we might have our chance (even though that would mean the end of her marriage, which is a terrible thing to hope for.)  I know I need to start living my life, and even though I can still hold out hope, I can’t put everything on hold.  But moving on, letting go…that thought causes so much pain, in the very core of my heart.  I don’t know how to do it.  I know I probably need to cut contact, at least a bit, in order to do that.  But it’s not something I can do.  I can’t ask her to not talk to me, I can’t not talk to her.

How I Lost Myself

Now that I've gotten the hardest part out of the way, I'm going to start backing up and hitting some of the other tough stuff.

Somewhere in the course of my relationship, I became extremely unhealthy.  This is not something I ever thought I would talk about, and it's a good part of why I've avoided blogging for so long.  But the truth is, if something I've been through can help even one person, then sharing my story is worth it.  So I'm going to buck up and be brave and talk about something I don't want to talk about.

Trying to Put it All in Words

It's been a long time.  A LONG long time.  The last time I wrote, I didn't even use new material, I just recycled something I'd written years ago.  I have not been in the right place for blogging.  But I'm going to try now to put everything that's been going on into words.  I don't have a clue where to start or what to say, really, so I apologize in advance for my ramblings.

Writing is therapeutic for me.  It always has been.  It's how I express myself, how I get the feelings that plague me out of my head, find release.  But I haven't been able to turn to that for a long time.  I'm still hesitant to write about most of this, as I know Callie reads my blog every now and then and I have never ever wanted to upset her (and I know seeing this will do just that.  Baby girl, I'm so so sorry).  But I need an outlet, finally.

I guess I'll start with the hardest part and work my way backwards: Callie and I broke up.