Can't Get Myself Right

Upon last update, Callie's husband D had agreed it was okay for us to talk, but only as friends. No relationship-type talk.  But that was impossible.  Even the conversation where she broke the news was completely NOT "D Approved," as I call it.  Nor was the day-long conversation the following day.  Not even close.  And then he decided it didn't matter, she's an adult and can do whatever she wants.  So basically back where we started.

Anyway....

I wrote this blog entry a few days ago, when I was living in a constant state of limbo.  I didn't post it here at the time, but rather posted it on shybi, only because I wasn't sure how coherent it would turn out to be.  But here is a glimpse of my mental state the last few days:

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I can't move on.  I don't know how to move on.  I dont want to move on.  Sometimes I feel like I'm doing ok, like maybe I'll survive this.  And then somehow, BAM! I'm flat on my back, below my lowest of lows, and I don't think there's any way I can ever crawl out of this hole, and just want to curl up and die.

I can't help but feel like I've done wrong.  I've spent nearly every minute of every day trying to figure out if I did the right thing.  If there's any way I can find a way to deal.  I read things that make me believe I SHOULD be strong enough, able to handle it.  I talk to her and she tells me she won't leave him, doesn't want to leave him, the only way she ever possibly could have imagined leaving him was if she had me.  And I know that I have to be with her, or I have no chance of ever ever having what I want.  Or maybe I need to be stronger, to be able to be with her and let her be with him too, forever.  I want to make her happy, and I don't give a shit about making me happy because I won't be happy like this anyway.  So maybe at least I can be happy some of the time, and she can be happy all the time.  Maybe I barely survived it, but it doesn't feel like I'm surviving this either.

Then I think, stop it, you can't do it.  There was a reason you had to end things, because you couldn't do it, even for a tiny bit longer.  

But then that goes away and I'm back to wondering why I wasn't strong enough, what's wrong with me, why can't I just do it?!

Then he says she can't see women, and especially me.  So it doesn't matter.  But I still think it.  Then he says she can see women, but not me.  So it doesn't matter.  But I still think it.  Then he says she can do whatever she wants.  And I want to be able to do it so bad.  But I don't know how to be strong enough to share her, and I don't know how to be strong enough to be without her.  

I just can't do anything.  I couldn't do that.  I can't do this.  What is the point of any of it? What is the point of all of it?  I just don't want to do it anymore.  Anything.  

Callie said to me today that when she gets stupid thoughts, she thinks of the kids and that makes the thoughts go away.  And she worries about me, what do I think about?  The kids?  My cats?  My cats have a good home now.  When I was at my lowest lows, I would worry about Toby - how he was living in my room illegally and if something bad happened he would get caught and sent out on the street.  And the kids wouldn't know, it wouldn't make a difference.  They're going to forget me soon, which absolutely kills me.  It destroys me.  It makes it all worse.

All I have is her.  


Except I don't.



Good God that was depressing.  My head is in so many places, thinking wondering doubting hating, all the damn time.  I can't get myself right.  I can't let myself believe I did the right thing.  I can't let myself believe I did the wrong thing.  I can't let go, can't move on.  But I don't know how to go back.  I don't know what to do, what to think, how to be, how to survive.  I just don't know.