Losing My Rock

I haven’t been able to move on from Callie, nor have I wanted to.  As I said, I can’t stop holding out hope that someday we might have our chance (even though that would mean the end of her marriage, which is a terrible thing to hope for.)  I know I need to start living my life, and even though I can still hold out hope, I can’t put everything on hold.  But moving on, letting go…that thought causes so much pain, in the very core of my heart.  I don’t know how to do it.  I know I probably need to cut contact, at least a bit, in order to do that.  But it’s not something I can do.  I can’t ask her to not talk to me, I can’t not talk to her.

But now it’s been done for me.  Her husband has decided he’s no longer ok with us talking.  She can’t talk to me while he’s home…and he’s home all the time.  He’s home on leave for 3 weeks, and even when he goes back to work, with the time difference there’s very little time where we’re both awake and he’s gone.  She couldn’t even tell me this while he was there, had to sneak a quick text when he took their child to the bathroom.  Couldn’t respond to my post on facebook. Has to find some time to write me an email to explain.   

And it feels like shit.  Because this isn’t me needing some time to heal so that we can be friends, or her wanting space to clear her head.  This is him telling her she can’t talk to me.  Dictating our relationship, our friendship.  She has always been my rock, my best friend.  And even in this terrible time, I knew I could count on her when I needed her.  Even though we were both hurting, I knew she would always be there for me, and I her.  And now he’s taken my best friend away from me.  And I just don’t know how to deal.