Thursday, March 28, 2013

Make up your mind!!!

Okay, I know that is a ridiculous request from me, the girl who can't seem to go 5 minutes without changing her mind.  But I am in so much damn pain, I don't know which way is up right now, let alone what's best for anyone.

Now we are allowed to talk.  As friends.  But nothing about our relationship.  But...what is there to talk about that doesn't in some way touch on our relationship? The weather?  Anything else?  Because the fact is, she is ingrained on my heart, she has become a part of me.  And everything I do has something to do with her, in some way or another.  I can go from 0 to Callie in 0.5 second flat.  So how can we talk without it somehow relating to us or coming back to the relationship in some way?  We just texted for an hour, and every bit of it was relationship related.

So when we said goodbye, I couldn't help feeling for some reason I would never get to talk to her again.  Because it's impossible for us to talk without talking about us.  Because he changes his mind as much as I do, and in another day or two he might decide this "friends" thing is clearly not working and he doesn't want her to talk to me EVER.  Because maybe he's ok with us being friends, but only until they have another argument and he lets out how he's REALLY feeling.

Sigh.

3 comments:

  1. Mel, I love you, from as much as I have gotten to know you, that is...but this is really an abusive relationship with way to many factors to be in any way shape or form healthy!

    The only one that has her Shit straight is you...you are single, and know that you want Callie. However Callie and her husband have no clue as to what they want as they change their mind constantly. Until she is single, you might as well let go. I know that isn't what you want to hear, and it is/will be the hardest thing ever...I get that! I do! Hugs and prayers for your heart to heal :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for thinking I have my shit together! The truth is I really really don't, and I change my mind as much as both of them put together (not that Callie's changed her mind, she's always known what she wants...it's just not what I need). Though if being single and wanting Callie is having my shit together, then YAYYY I have my shit together!!! *does a little dance*

      I do know there is no way for this relationship to be healthy as is. But I can't stop myself wanting to make it work, somehow. But really really, thank you for your comment. I do know it's the hard truth, but I can't seem to deal with it at all. I just want to find some way to somehow be strong enough to handle it, to be able to make her happy, and to find a way to make me happy. I know that the strongest thing I've done was probably to say I can't do it...but I still feel like I've done wrong, like I'm not good enough, not strong enough. I just can't get myself right.

      Thanks for the support, I really appreciate it and I appreciate the hugs and prayers!

      Delete
  2. I'm in no position to say if you have your shit together or not, I'm just a reader. But...it bums me that it seems so true to describe anyone's life as shit, and the best they can hope for is to have neat, attractively arranged piles, versus random flying turds everywhere. (not the best analogy, I know, I'm sorry) I know it's just a figure of speech but I sadly suspect for you it feels true; that the best you can hope for is to just get through each day with the piles intact. I wish your life could be daisies or something, instead.
    It must be very crazy-making to have someone else have this kind of veto power over your relationship. To have someone have more power than you do in dictating how your life will be. Things must feel very out of control, I would imagine. Normally, the person you're in love with has the ability to crash your world, and you accept that as the price of the ticket, but when it's a third person (I know, he's her husband) it goes a bit sideways.
    You could choose to cut/limit contact with her for a set period of time, in order to try to regain your balance. Having *you* be the one who chooses might feel better to you...but then you did choose to leave, and it clearly doesn't feel better. Your heart is still back with her. You could do a crash-course in nurturing yourself in every way possible, reinforcing your foundation of *you-ness* so their every change of his mind doesn't rock you so badly. Easier said than done when your days is so fragmented with worry, fear, sadness, guilt, hope, longing and loneliness. You could put on your best game face, and approach contact with her with the "I'm doing great, look how easy I make it for you to talk to me without pressure!" tactic. If every conversation she has with her husband is fraught with icky, having you be sane, strong, calm, and sometimes even fun might be a lifeline for her to hold onto you.
    I don't mean to go on too long, or tell you what to do. Sometimes I'm desperate enough to make the Everything List of Options. Put down everything from the absurd (swoop in in a helicopter, kidnap her, live in anonymity in Greenland) to the brutally realistic (give up on this triad, and move on with your life) Sometimes it helps. Not always.

    ReplyDelete

I LOVE comments! Thanks for reading :)
"Anonymous" users - Under "comment as" you can use "Name/URL" to enter a name (any name you want) and just leave the URL blank.