Make up your mind!!!

Okay, I know that is a ridiculous request from me, the girl who can't seem to go 5 minutes without changing her mind.  But I am in so much damn pain, I don't know which way is up right now, let alone what's best for anyone.

Now we are allowed to talk.  As friends.  But nothing about our relationship.  But...what is there to talk about that doesn't in some way touch on our relationship? The weather?  Anything else?  Because the fact is, she is ingrained on my heart, she has become a part of me.  And everything I do has something to do with her, in some way or another.  I can go from 0 to Callie in 0.5 second flat.  So how can we talk without it somehow relating to us or coming back to the relationship in some way?  We just texted for an hour, and every bit of it was relationship related.

So when we said goodbye, I couldn't help feeling for some reason I would never get to talk to her again.  Because it's impossible for us to talk without talking about us.  Because he changes his mind as much as I do, and in another day or two he might decide this "friends" thing is clearly not working and he doesn't want her to talk to me EVER.  Because maybe he's ok with us being friends, but only until they have another argument and he lets out how he's REALLY feeling.

Sigh.

Losing My Rock

I haven’t been able to move on from Callie, nor have I wanted to.  As I said, I can’t stop holding out hope that someday we might have our chance (even though that would mean the end of her marriage, which is a terrible thing to hope for.)  I know I need to start living my life, and even though I can still hold out hope, I can’t put everything on hold.  But moving on, letting go…that thought causes so much pain, in the very core of my heart.  I don’t know how to do it.  I know I probably need to cut contact, at least a bit, in order to do that.  But it’s not something I can do.  I can’t ask her to not talk to me, I can’t not talk to her.

How I Lost Myself

Now that I've gotten the hardest part out of the way, I'm going to start backing up and hitting some of the other tough stuff.

Somewhere in the course of my relationship, I became extremely unhealthy.  This is not something I ever thought I would talk about, and it's a good part of why I've avoided blogging for so long.  But the truth is, if something I've been through can help even one person, then sharing my story is worth it.  So I'm going to buck up and be brave and talk about something I don't want to talk about.

Trying to Put it All in Words

It's been a long time.  A LONG long time.  The last time I wrote, I didn't even use new material, I just recycled something I'd written years ago.  I have not been in the right place for blogging.  But I'm going to try now to put everything that's been going on into words.  I don't have a clue where to start or what to say, really, so I apologize in advance for my ramblings.

Writing is therapeutic for me.  It always has been.  It's how I express myself, how I get the feelings that plague me out of my head, find release.  But I haven't been able to turn to that for a long time.  I'm still hesitant to write about most of this, as I know Callie reads my blog every now and then and I have never ever wanted to upset her (and I know seeing this will do just that.  Baby girl, I'm so so sorry).  But I need an outlet, finally.

I guess I'll start with the hardest part and work my way backwards: Callie and I broke up.

Dealing with Depression

From an old facebook note I wrote several years ago.  While I'm unable to write, I figured I would share something I've already written...

"Who does depression hurt? Everyone."

I hate those ads.  But it's true.  My depression does not only affect me, it affects everyone I know and love.  I am not myself when I'm depressed, and that impacts those close to me (and even those not so close to me!).  I used to hate it when people would tell me I always seem so down on myself in my facebook posts, or that I cry all the time.  I hated it because I didn't like the implication that there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't acting the way I should.  And so I brushed it off.

Still here...

Hey everyone, I'm still here, still around...so sorry I haven't gotten back to posting yet.  I've been having a really rough time lately and though writing helps, I just don't feel like I should be putting down everything I've been feeling and dealing with out there to the world.

I hope I'll be back soon, I really do miss writing and I miss my blog friends who used to stop by.  I hope you all don't forget about me.

Happy Holidays, everyone xx

Down in the Dumps

Hello Dear Readers,

(Assuming I still have readers...)

I would like to apologize for my absence as of late.  I've been really depressed, and have barely been able to get out of bed and go to class, let alone update my blog.  I've made the decision to go back on antidepressants and have an appointment with a doctor Monday morning. So hopefully I'll be back up and running as my old self in a couple weeks, and along with that - fingers crossed - I'll start posting again.

The decision to go back on my medication was both super easy and really difficult.