Sh*t my mom says

Here is a collection of funny shit my mom said on our first (extremely awkward) phone conversation after I came out to her:

• Mom: I mean, I wouldn't choose for you to have red hair, because they tend to have it harder in life. But if you were born a redhead I would love you just as much.
• Me: I might go to the bar to watch the baseball game tonight.
  Mom: Are you going to a gay bar? ....Am I allowed to tease you about it a little?
• Me: I remember when you were really into the Indigo Girls. And I thought "Hmm if Mom loves the Indigo Girls so much, does that mean she's a lesbian too?"
  Mom: I liked their music!
  Me: I know, but I was a kid.
  Mom: I also like Melissa Etheridge.
  Mom: I even like me some Ani DiFranco music. I took my gay women friends from work to her concert.
• Me: I didn't know you had gay women friends.
  Mom: Well that's because we don't run around saying "I'm gay!" "I'm straight!"

And my favorite, because I didn't even know she KNEW who this was:

• Me: I kissed a girl in college once.
  Mom: Did you like it, Katy Perry?

Coming Out (Part 1)

Coming out to my family was one of the scariest things I've ever done.  And I probably never would have done it without Callie.  She gave me the push I needed, and I will forever be grateful for that.

Why so scary? Did I think my parents would stop loving me? Did I think my sister would try to pray the gay out of me?  No.  But that doesn't make it any less scary.  I mean, I was 27.  I was an adult - they thought they knew exactly who I was.  They had no clue.  You know how sometimes a mother just knows?  Well, mine didn't.  I look back on my life and it is SO obvious to me.  (Read: blog posts to come)  But I never gave any outward clues that my family could pick up on.  So I was scared.  Scared that I might disappoint them (though I knew they would never love me any less), scared that they wouldn't know who I was (though I was the same person I'd always been), scared that they might feel like they'd done something wrong (though I was happier than I'd ever been).

Falling in Love

I have been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to figure out how to start this post.  It's a big one, and it needs something perfect.  But I just can't come up with a single opener that would do justice to the wonderful woman I have fallen head over heels in love with.

So I'll just say: I'm in love. With the most amazing person I have ever known.  She has totally changed my life and now that I've met her, I don't know how I could ever be without her.

Ours is a complicated situation, but I don't want to focus on that today - I just want to reflect on how much I love her.  Nor do I want to get in to too many specifics without her permission.  So I will shy away from all the complications and focus only on our beautiful love story, and the way she makes me feel.

Meet Rhonda

Until this year, my attraction to women was NOT something I talked about.  Ever. Hell, it wasn't something I even acknowledged to myself.  Any thoughts that made it to the surface of my subconscious were quickly pushed back deep down below.

Unless I was drunk.  Under the influence of alcohol, the lesbian inside of me would try to escape.  This inner lesbian (let's call her Rhonda) wanted to be free! Rhonda wanted to meet women, date, fool around a little.  And she let me know it.



Rhonda would log on to my various dating websites (for a little look at my life as a hetero, check out my online dating blog at www.dubiousdating.com ....yeah, I totally thought I was straight) and search for women in my area.  Occasionally Rhonda would send out a wink.  Rhonda even emailed a lady or two.  That was super awkward, when Mel woke up the next morning to find a reply!  (Conversations were usually left alone until Rhonda resurfaced)  Rhonda was a flirt.  Rhonda was even a little horny.  And she tried her damndest to get Mel to just accept the fact that she was interested in women. 


My favorite story of Rhonda is the Craigslist Adventures.  Two years ago when I was living in Texas, Rhonda logged on to Craigslist, clicked "women seeking women" and typed the following ad:

"I've never been with a woman other than a random kiss in college, but I'm curious."


No picture, no description, she left it at that.  But the emails came in anyway.  Ladies asking for pictures, ladies saying they'd like to teach me, couples interested in a threesome.  The ad was probably up for about 10 minutes before Mel fought back to the surface and deleted it.

But you know what?  That bitch Rhonda posted it again a few weeks later!  And AGAIN and AGAIN!  That ad somehow made it to Craigslist a total of 5 times over the course of 2 years!

Sometimes I wonder...was Rhonda trying to get me laid or killed?!

Leaving the Cloud of Denial

I'm gay.


It's taken me 28 years to say those words.  And god, it feels good.


I think I've probably always known, but I was living in denial - a state of subconscious denial for most of my life, with rare moments of clarity followed by a conscious effort to push away unwelcome thoughts and feelings.

But at 27, I finally (soberly) acknowledged that I might be attracted to women.  Of course, I still wasn't ready to say "gay."  I wasn't even ready to say "bisexual."  But I decided I could admit to maybe possibly kinda being bicurious.  So, on New Years Day, I typed "bicurious" into my google search bar and found a support website for bisexual/bicurious women.  Scared out of my mind, I created a new email account so that I could sign up for this site in secret.  I wrote my first post in the welcome forum, titled "New and a Little Nervous" (though it should have said "New and Absolutely Shitting My Pants!!!")


That day changed my life - nothing will ever be the same.  In the 5 months and 28 days since I joined this site, affectionately known as "shy," my life has changed to no end.  I don't think I could put it better than I already have, so here is my latest "about me" on shybi:

It has taken me 28 years to become comfortable with who I am. For years I pushed away thoughts of women, certain I couldn't be gay. For years I haven't felt like my true self, have dealt with depression and an unexplainable feeling of worthlessness. It took me 27 years to even admit to being "bicurious," and even then I did so under a cloak of shame. In the 5 months since joining shy, I've grown so much. I've gained so much self-confidence, accepted that I'm not bicurious, not bisexual, and actually EMBRACED myself as a lesbian, I've even come out to family and friends and all of Facebook. I've never felt more confident or comfortable about who I am. And of course, I fell head over heels in love with the beautiful Callie T. My world will never be the same, and for that I am eternally grateful.


This blog will chronicle my journey coming to terms with my sexuality and life after coming out.  Welcome aboard!