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This is something I've really struggled with: labels.  Are they necessary?  Are they changeable?  Does how I identify change who I am?  Does my label tell me who I am?  Am I bi? Am I gay? Am I just not straight?  Does it matter?


During my life as a straight girl, I pushed away thoughts about women because "I can't be gay."  I was terrified - like being gay changed who I am.  Like it made me a different person.  But once Rhonda broke out and brought those attractions to the surface, they became impossible to ignore.  So I gave myself a new label: bicurious.  "Okay, I can handle bicurious," I thought.  "It doesn't mean I'm gay.  It just means I'm curious about what it might be like.  It doesn't mean I would actually do anything."  So I found shy, a support forum for bicurious/bisexual women.

As I browsed and posted on the forums, and simultaneously grew more confidence, I began to think more about the terms bicurious and bisexual.  Was I bicurious?  Or was I bisexual?  Can I be bisexual if I've never been with a woman?  Of course I can.  Most women don't have to have sex with a man to be able to claim heterosexuality.  So why is it necessary to be with a woman before identifying as bisexual?  Bisexuality simply means you have the capacity to be attracted to either gender. (As I once explained it to a male friend -loudly, in a crowded bar - who couldn't understand that I might be gay if I'd never been with a woman before, "Did you have to eat a pussy before you knew you liked women?  Me neither.")  So I began to call myself bisexual.  And I felt good about it.  But...

I always wondered if "bisexual" was a transitional label for me.  Was I really gay?  Was bisexual just something that I felt more comfortable with because it still allowed me to fit into the traditional role I'd always pictured for myself?  I could be attracted to women, but still have a fulfilling lifelong relationship with a man.  I could be attracted to women, but still marry, be a wife and mother...all the things that were expected of me and that I had come to expect of myself.  But was that really what I want?

I have grown so much over the last 6 months.  As I began accepting my attraction to women, I grew more confident, and more comfortable with myself.  I began to see myself in a lifelong relationship with a woman, not a man.  And when I acted on my attractions, I felt even more confident that I was totally gay.  I will admit to feeling some pressure on various ends (myself included) to define myself, to give myself a label and stick to it.  So I embraced "gay," "lesbian," and began to let go of "bisexual."  And it felt good to "know who I am."  To feel like I finally fit in somewhere, after spending my entire life unsure exactly where I belong.

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I have to admit that this is a really difficult post for me to write.  Because I still struggle a lot with the label.  I want to be gay.  Is that a weird thing to say?  To me, bisexuality feels like I'm unsure.  Like it's an unanswered question.  I'm not saying bisexuality doesn't exist - I know it does, and many people are proud, confident bisexuals.  But I don't think it works for me. It just leaves me feeling unsure, and I don't do well with unsure.  I want to be gay, to feel sure about myself, and about my future.

But can I say 100% that if I didn't have my beautiful Callie I would never ever be with a man?  No.  (But to be fair, I can't imagine ever being with another woman, sharing the intimacy that Callie and I share.  It's painful to think about and makes me rather ill.)  I still find men attractive.  (But is that just my latent urge to be heterosexual??)  I have enjoyed relationships with men and even (shh, don't tell my mom!) sexual relationships with men.  I have no idea if those relationships didn't work out because those men just weren't "the one" or if it was because they are men.  Most likely it was the latter and I am totally completely gay.  But what if some day in the far off future (I don't like to think about it because it would mean no Callie, love of my life) I fall unexpectedly in love with a man?  If I spend my life identifying as a lesbian, is that going to give me an (another?!) identity crisis?

So where does that leave me?  Am I gay? Bi? Lesbianish? Does it matter? I like to think of myself as gay, but openminded, and leave it at that.