The Porn Post

Okay, here it is...the post I've been dreading (mostly because I have this odd fear that my mom will stumble upon this blog, but also because this is a weird thing to talk about to random strangers and friends). I've been putting it off and putting it off, but I've got major writer's block and can't come up with a single topic besides this one, so here it is (and Mom, if for some reason you *are* reading this...PLEASE stop now!):

If You See My Girl...

I'm having a hard time forming my own words right now, so I'm going to borrow from one of my teenybopper favorites, Jesse McCartney:

Straight girl crushes?!

Seriously...how did I not realize (accept) that I was gay before the age of 27?! Callie and I were talking about the Spice Girls the other day and I found myself saying "I thought Mel B was really hot." She replied "And this is when you were straight?!"  This conversation has replayed itself a few times since...

So here is a list of celebrities I found "hot" (not sweet or cute or "she's really pretty" or "I want to be like her")  in the 27 years before I accepted my sexuality.

My Heart Has Arrived

At this very moment, there is a beautiful girl laying on my sofa, legs over my lap, fast asleep. She is making the most delicious little sleep sounds, and I can feel the warmth of her body and the comfort of her company. My heart is happy.

My beautiful Callie has come to visit, from all the way across the pond. My amazing English girlfriend is here in America, and more specifically, in my apartment. After one of the most emotional months I can remember, in this moment all I feel is content, overjoyed, loved. My heart is bursting and I just want to shout it from the rooftops: I LOVE THIS WOMAN!!!!!

That said...I may be a little quiet for the next 9 days. Heaven has arrived in South Carolina, and I plan to take advantage of every last second that I have.

Coming Out (Part 2)

After I came out to my mom (Coming Out - Part 1), I knew it was hard for her.  All this time I'd had a secret.  But I'd opened up and told my mom - and now she had a secret. I knew I had to tell my sister. But I was scared. (Isn't it usually the other way around? Confide in the siblings, then try and find a way to tell your parents?)  But my sister was the one person I was most afraid of telling.

Struggles

Callie and I both have our struggles.  We come from such different situations.  I have never had that lifelong bond, which makes it difficult to understand sometimes why her love for me just isn't enough.  She's been with the same man her entire adult life (and then some) - so sometimes she doesn't get where I'm coming from.

We both struggle with feeling sometimes like this is an affair (even though her husband is aware and "ok" with it) - something we can't talk about, something everyone will judge.

Exploring polyamory as a monogamous "single"

When I first met Callie, I knew that our relationship would be unique, and unlike anything I had ever expected.  She was married, I was single.  That was never going to change.  We spent our days talking about how we would make it work.  Since she lives in England and I live in America, maybe we would be content to talk on the phone and visit each other a few times a year.  Maybe her husband could set me up with an understanding, good looking friend so I could move to England, marry, and have a beautiful girlfriend on the side.

But then everything changed.  Our feelings were FAR too strong to ever be a once or twice a year kind of thing.  As you can see, we've had a very complicated history and struggled quite a bit with how to make our relationship work.  We've tried to be apart, but discovered we just can't manage.  So now here we are, exploring a poly relationship.