Hello Dear Readers,
(Assuming I still have readers...)
I would like to apologize for my absence as of late. I've been really depressed, and have barely been able to get out of bed and go to class, let alone update my blog. I've made the decision to go back on antidepressants and have an appointment with a doctor Monday morning. So hopefully I'll be back up and running as my old self in a couple weeks, and along with that - fingers crossed - I'll start posting again.
The decision to go back on my medication was both super easy and really difficult.
Easy because, well, I haven't felt like myself lately. I would say I've become a person I don't recognize, except that's not true. I was this person for a long time. Crying all the time, didn't feel like I could do anything right, no interest in a social life and couldn't be bothered to make new friends or keep the ones I had, brief bouts of suicidal thoughts that I knew I would never be "strong" enough to act upon. Had some good days, but more often than not, life felt pretty terrible.
And then I went to therapy. And started taking Zoloft. And slowly, I found me again. A me I hadn't been in ages. A me that I missed greatly. (I wrote a facebook note on depression a couple years ago...maybe I will dig it up and put it here while I'm still not really writing much...if anyone is interested) So, when I started recognizing Depressed Mel again, the decision to go back on antidepressants was easy. I want to be the old me again.
So then, what makes this decision hard? Well, I thought that I had finally tackled my depression issues. At one point, I had resigned myself to being on antidepressants for the rest of my life, and I was okay with that. I liked who I was on the medication much better than who I was without it. But then...I acknowledged something I'd been hiding from myself for a very long time - my attraction to women. And I began to feel better about myself than I ever had in my life. I was confident. I was happy with who I was. I decided to go off my meds, and I was thriving. I genuinely thought that acknowledging and embracing my sexual orientation was what I had needed all along. What I had thought was a chemical imbalance in my brain was really just me being untrue to myself. And I felt great. And I was so proud. Proud that I had discovered who I really am, and no longer needed drugs to make me happy.
So now, I have to acknowledge that it's not me hiding who I was from the world and from myself. There actually is something wrong with me. (Or at least, that's what it feels like) Going back on my medication makes me feel like a bit of a failure, like being myself isn't good enough after all.
But over all, it's an easy decision. I'd rather be happy. And maybe, just maybe, once the chemicals are balanced out again and I'm being true to myself...maybe I will be a person I've never known before. An even better version of me.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteDon't be down on yourself for going back on meds. Once you get some emotional distance from it, it makes as much sense as a diabetic taking their insulin. Depression is a disease with a physical cause, and no amount of will power makes it better. I know what you mean about the whole "feeling crappy/go on meds/feel so much better/hate the side effects/go off meds-I'm fine now/don't feel as good/really down/go back on meds" rinse and repeat. But you will get to feeling better again, and that's what counts!
Just found this blog and this post, through a link on cardcarryinglesbian.com. I am 43, just came out, left my ex-husband (long story on the ex), had an affair with one of my best friends who then broke up with me and went back to her wife (heartbroken) and now I only have my child every other week (miss her so). After not being on meds for depression for 4 yrs, had to go back on them. I fought it, but had no choice. You are not alone and neither am I.
ReplyDeleteHi Mel! I am happy to discover your weblog and hope that you soon will start writing again.
ReplyDeleteDepression is a complex state of mind. Suppressed emotions make it worse for sure, but as you've realized they might not be the only cause. I, like you, have struggled with both, depression caused by suppressed homosexual feelings and depression caused by other things, and still I do experience ups and downs from time to time. At some points medications are needed too, but who could say I'd need them for the rest of my life? No, you shouldn't think that you will be dependent on them forever. I have episodes but each time I am more able to handle them. You will be so. I am a proud lesbian who struggled a lot in life, so it is totally natural that the exhaustion comes back to me sometimes. If there is a pill which helps me to stand up again, I'd welcome it. After standing up, I say thank you to the pill and put it back into its box.
So please still be proud, and be sure that the lessons you've learned from finding your sexual identity will help in finding other parts of you too. We have so many different layers and dimensions. You have already built a good foundation for your true self, so the rest will be built up more easily.
Hi Mel! I just found your blog and as I was reading this entry-it was like I was standing in front of a mirror-I've been feeling alot of the same things except I hadn't gone off my zoloft. I guess that shows there is no one cause, nor one cure. Don't feel discouraged though-your not alone and you haven't failed yourself.I just recently ended therapy and I'm considering going back if these little bouts of depression start coming more often.While attending therapy I also took part in this group therapy/training called DBT-and I have to say it is a great tool to learn if you have that little innner voice constantly and almost imperceptibly poisoning your mind and altering your mood.the full name is Dialectical Behavior training I between-It was immensely helpful to me.Just remember to love and take care of yourself!
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