...Hello UK

I know you have all been anxiously awaiting my update, barely able to carry on with your daily activities while wondering what had been going on with Mel.  And I'm very sorry to have interfered with your sleep these last few weeks due to my lack of updates.  I apologize.  (Or should I say "apologise?")  I have been putting this off for a few reasons - the easiest to blame would be that I was staying at Callie's house and didn't have a lot of time to sit around blogging.  But even more so because...I've had no idea what to write.  It has been a both an incredibly wonderful and horribly difficult time, and it's really hard for me to put into words.


Let's see...Callie's husband is wonderful.  I knew he would be.  She wouldn't have been married to him for so long, gone back to him, if he wasn't.  But I think staying in his house and spending so much time with him really made it sink in - she is married to a wonderful, wonderful man.  He was an incredible host - taking care of me, making American pancakes for my first breakfast, fetching drinks, refusing to let me help with the kids or do anything for myself (much to my dismay).

I've been grappling with guilt for months, but meeting D sent my guilt into hyperdrive.  How can I do this to such a wonderful man?  How can I hold such a big place in the heart of the woman he's been married and devoted to for almost 10 years?  How can I have sex with his wife under his roof?  How is it possible that I still wish that I could have her all to myself?!

The guilt is something I struggled with throughout my two and a half weeks at Callie and D's house, and still continue to struggle with now that I have left for London.  I also spent a lot of time worrying about the pressure on Callie, about the future, about how we would make this work for the rest of our lives.  I struggled to figure out where I fit in their lives.  There were tears. There were heartfelt discussions.  There were terrible things said that could never be taken back.  There were times that I thought we were over for good.

But there were also smiles, cuddles, and orgasms.  There were hours spent laying in each other's arms.  Amazing conversations.  Time spent playing with the kids.  Honesty, love, and pure happiness.  Parts of my time at Callie's house were some of the happiest times of my life.

We discovered that we work best when she keeps our relationship separate from her and D's relationship.  When we were all living under the same roof, things were difficult.  She struggled with showing affection to us both (for some reason, he's totally fine with everything now - it didn't bother him to see us cuddling, to know she was kissing me, to know we had sex.  I had a tough time with it.)  My jealousy and insecurity made things really difficult for her, and she had no idea how to juggle the two relationships.  And then...D had a weekend where he was on duty for work.  It was just me, Callie, and her two adorable kids.  It felt like we were a family, out on the town together.  It was so lovely.  And when the kids went to bed, it was just me and Callie.  And it was pure bliss.  I spent a good two weeks awaiting those two days, where we could just be us again.  There was a while there when Callie was worried we "wouldn't have IT anymore."  But we had it.  Oh god, did we have it.


So now I'm in London, in a tiny "flat" all on my own.  Enjoying the ability to sleep past sunrise, but honestly missing the kids, and missing Callie more than I ever have before.  Living for the weekends, when I get to go "home" (though that negates sleeping in!)

It's been a very tough but very rewarding few weeks. We've (still) got a lot to learn, but God knows we're worth it.