Dealing with Depression

From an old facebook note I wrote several years ago.  While I'm unable to write, I figured I would share something I've already written...

"Who does depression hurt? Everyone."

I hate those ads.  But it's true.  My depression does not only affect me, it affects everyone I know and love.  I am not myself when I'm depressed, and that impacts those close to me (and even those not so close to me!).  I used to hate it when people would tell me I always seem so down on myself in my facebook posts, or that I cry all the time.  I hated it because I didn't like the implication that there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't acting the way I should.  And so I brushed it off.

I brushed it off through my freshman year of college when I couldn't sleep at night, and that summer when I had headaches every night for a month.  I brushed it off when I was living in beautiful Spain and I just couldn't enjoy it.  And when I graduated and didn't know what to do with myself.  When I moved to Tennessee and was miserable, even before I got dumped in the most awful break-up of my life, to date.  I brushed it off when I cried every day through grad school, and when I quit the program because I just didn't think I could survive it. (Not because the work was too difficult - it wasn't.  My life was.)  I brushed it off when I had my very first fight in a relationship because I "cry too much" and when I effectively ruined every relationship before or thereafter because I just didn't know how to be happy.  And then again when I was drowning during the easiest semester of grad school, round 2.  But finally, I actually heard someone when they told me I was crying. A lot. And I realized it was true.

Now, I hate those comments, not because they imply there's something wrong with me, but because I realize I am bringing down the people I care about as well.  So, to everyone I know and love...I'm sorry.  I wish I could be perky and happy, like I was high school.  That was a pretty great me.  I'm trying, and I am doing everything I can to be THAT Melanie again.  But in the mean time, when I'm having my down days, here are some things to keep in mind:

The Worst Things to Say to a Person with Depression:

(in no particular order)

• You just need to cheer up!
• Are you feeling better yet?
• There are a lot of people worse off than you.
• Happiness is a choice.
• You should get off all those pills.
• Let's get together!
• You have it so good, you should be happy.
• You would feel better if you prayed/went to church/read the Bible/ate vegetables (etc.)
• You're always feeling sorry for yourself/crying/upset (etc.)
• Why don't you...(insert suggestion here)

People often trivialize depression (usually unintentionally) by giving platitudes or unsolicited advice.  While the thought is truly appreciated, it's often hard for me to feel anything but resent.  While the advice you may be giving me works well for other people, it's likely something I've already tried.  And yes, I know there are millions of people who would kill to have my job, my apartment, my life.  I know that every first year teacher goes through the same BS I go through, and many of them have it MUCH worse.  I know you're trying to be helpful when you tell me these things..but unfortunately, it just makes me feel worse.  Those people have genuine reasons to feel unhappy.  I don't, and yet I don't know how to shake it. It's so hard for me to handle that.

I know I get on your nerves with my constant complaining, and I apologize a million times over.  I really don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, and I'm sorry to be so selfish.  But I can't always remember that, so again - I apologize now because I probably won't think of it when I'm on a downswing.  But here is what I'm really craving when I'm having a sad day...

The Best Things to Say to a Person with Depression:

(again, in no particular order)

• I love you.
• I care about you.
• You are important to me
• I'm here for you when you need me.
• I understand your pain and I empathize.
• I don't really understand your pain, but I sympathize.
• Would you like a hug?
• I know you are hurting, but you will get through it.
• I'm sorry you're in pain.
• You are important to me.
• I care about you.
• I love you.

When I am hurting, the best thing you can do is just let me know that you are here for me.  I don't want your advice or your opinions, but I crave your love and acceptance.  I want to know that even though my depression hurts you, it is not going to drive you away.  And most of the time, I really just want someone to hug me.