Giving It All Up

This is my last weekend in America.

On Wednesday, I leave everything I have ever known behind and begin a new life far, far away.  That's right folks, I am moving to England.  I've quit my job, I've sold my furniture, I've rehomed my pets.  No more adding 5 hours to the time, or living from phone call to phone call.  Never again will I have to say goodnight at 5 pm and spend my evening counting down the hours until my own bedtime.  Visits will be days apart; never again will months pass between each time I lay eyes on the woman I love.



It sounds like a fairy tale, doesn't it?  Girl meets girl, girl falls in love with girl, girl moves across the world to be with girl.  But of course, this is a fractured fairy tale.  Because girl has husband.  When I made plans to give it all up and move across the world to be with the love of my life, this is certainly not the ending I had in mind.  I thought we would be together, get married, live happily ever after.  But things change.

There have been so many times that I wondered if I could continue with this journey.  I felt that I had to convince everyone, myself and Callie included, that I was not moving to London for Callie.  I was moving for me.  For school.  Because I was accepted to a graduate program for speech therapy and I wouldn't be able to begin any programs in the States until 2013.  Because studying in London is an amazing opportunity that anyone would be stupid to pass up.  But let's face it, we ALL know it was (mainly) for her.

When we broke up, I told myself I had to stick with it.  For all those reasons I said I wanted to go.  And I DID want to go, for all those reasons.  But the thought of being in the same country as her and not being able to reach out and touch her...that killed me.  It was that thought that gave me pause, made me wonder if I could actually do it.   But I continued with my plans, somehow.  When we got back together and started hashing out this monogamous polyamory thing, I continued to wonder if I would be able to do it.  But still I plowed on.

Because the truth is, I cannot be without her.  It has been 2 and a half weeks since I last saw Callie, and it feels like years.  My body yearns for her and my soul calls out for her.  My heart feels empty every time I say goodnight, unsure how to pass the hours without her.  While this is not what I had hoped for us, and I know that I may never get the fairy tale ending I dream of, I know that I would never be happy if I did not take this leap.  And so, in a few short days I will leave behind everything, life as I know it, to begin a new life across the pond.

I am scared out of my mind.  But I cannot wait.